A Satirical Look At Cutting Davone Bess

Tuesday Night With Davone Bess

Tuesday Night With Davone Bess

As you all know by now, the Cleveland Browns decided to cut ties with “embattled” Wide Receiver Davone Bess this morning.  This included using language written in to his contract that voided all money due in 2014 due his being placed on the non-football injury list at the end of last season.

DPN went behind the scenes to get a look at what actually happened in this, A Satirical Look At Cutting Davone Bess (please note the word Satirical).

Veteran Wide Receiver Davone Bess was dealt by the Miami Dolphins to the Cleveland Browns as part of a draft day pick swap.  At the time, the Bess trade was regarded as a good one, as the Browns seemed to score an established, dependable receiver for very little in return.  “Haha, yeah, the Browns completely screwed us over on this trade” said then (since fired) Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland.  “We must look like complete fucking morons for trading a receiver as good as Bess to move up 16 spots in the 4th round” Ireland said, while winking uncontrollably.

Moron like a fox.

Moron like a fox.

Then Browns GM Mike Lombardi (since fired) spoke through his jowels, heradling his foresight in nabbing Bess from the Dolphins “I mean… *eating*… I knew the Dolphins front office… *eating* was pretty stupid… *eating*… but damn man, we bent those guys over on this one”.  With grease dripping down his chins from the triple Whopper that he inhaled in three bites, Lombardi seemed to be the king of the day.
The team seemed to be a great fit for Bess, as they had a soul-less ginger demon spawn at Quarterback in Brandon Weeden, who was old and past his prime 2 years before he was drafted in the NFL, and the two were a perfect match on the field.  The few times Weeden managed to throw the ball before being sacked, Bess ALWAYS managed to drop it.  Bess, who was known to be a clutch threat when on the field in 3rd down situations, repeatedly mishandled balls when it counted the most.  The height of “Bess-Mania” hit when Bess single handedly lost the Browns a hard fought game against the Kansas City Chiefs.  Quarterback Jason Campbell’s comments from after the game are telling “F*CK DAVONE BESS” Campbell screamed, in a widely acknowledged moment of solidarity with his struggling teammate.

What can’t be overstated is Bess’s importance in mentoring young players.  After break-out star wide receiver Josh Gordon’s suspension for drug related issues at the start of the year, the team made the right move in assigning Bess as Gordon’s mentor.  “J’ah be praised mon” said Bess, while taking a hit of the stickiest of the icky “We just bonding with the most loved J’ah.  Like we do in Jamaica mon”  Bess of course is from California, where he learned the Jamaican ways and life of a Rastafari.  Bess smoked three more blunts full of the dankest buds while we sat and chatted.


The Chiefa of the Reefa

When asked today about the Browns decision to cut him and void his contract, Bess seemed dazed and barely coherent.  “J’ah knows all dees things mon.  I’m lookin’ forward to playin’ for the Browns next ‘ear.”  Bess said.  When we pressed, asking how he felt about the teams move, Bess replied after a lengthy pause in which he stared off into the distance “… I don’t know mon.  Ask Brandon Weeden about that.”  At this time, Brandon Weeden is not available for comment.

Shawn is the Editor-In-Chief and Lead Writer for Dawg Pound Nation.  He’s also an Army Sergeant, married to the beautiful and brilliant @MrsStarr, dad to three and aspiring Browns Writer.  You can follow him on Twitter @ShawnMStarr or @DawgPoundNews, as well as on the Dawg Pound Nation Facebook Page.






One thought on “A Satirical Look At Cutting Davone Bess

  1. I am glad they cut him and he is out of here. All you have to do is look at his face and you can tell he is HIGH on something. No wonder he dropped so many passes. I like the fact that he had a clause in his contract that says they can cut him and not have to pay him any money. All contracts should be like that. You screw up in any way off the field you are OUT OF HERE AND SO IS YOUR CONTRACT AND MONEY. If the players knew they could lose EVERYTHING they would think twice before doing the stupid stuff they do.


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