What I Learned While Watching the Pro Bowl.


The NFL really put a lot of effort this year into rejuvenating the image of the Pro Bowl, and for them it all started with the pregame and halftime shows, which were so star-studded and magnificent that it seemed they ran together into one long concert. I mean hey, if you can’t get the players to play hard, then you may as well entertain the fans with song.  The stars looked fabulous, the music was great, and I thought, all told, everyone put on hell of a show.  I don’t know exactly what was going on with the Lorde’s opening performance of “Royals” but that song is actually better live than it is on the radio, when I’m in my car driving with my wife.  I always imagined her as a Ssoul singer, but she definitely had a spooky, almost ghoulish thing going, which I guess works well enough seeing as she is unable to stop herself from convulsing when she sings. It was a good thing Robin Thicke followed up in a duel performance with Chicago and brought some class back into the evening. That was a real good pairing. It brought together some old school class with some new school swag. I would like to see more performances like that.

Everyone is wearing velvet this year, which is a hot new trend that I wish I had the money to keep up with. Robin Thicke was wearing a very sharp, velvet Georgio Armani suit. LL Cool J was wearing purple velvet, and he’s still ripped. I don’t really know what he was doing there but he’s definitely still ripped. Even Macklemore looked pretty good in his green velvet suit, and he won an award for best new artist. You know, I got some love for Macklemore, but, and you can call me old-fashioned, I believe that, like football, rap is usually best performed by anyone but white guys, and should be violent and terrifying. This kid’s goofy brand of socially conscious “rap” is sweet, but if I want to educate myself I’ll read a book.  I can’t lift weights to you carrying on about how much you love yourself and others.

The men weren’t the only ones bringing it this year.  Kate Perry looked simply marvelous on the red carpet. Perry, who was nominated for Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance for “Roar,”, wore a light and airy pink Valentino gown which was magical and elegant. Way to go Kate! Taylor Swift was in a mithril gown furnished by Gucci and was definitely one of the best dressed stars of the night. Cate Blanchett better start looking for a new job because there is a new elvish princess in my heart. I was disappointed to see that no one hollered at her this year though, she was most likely carrying a blade of some sort.

A few Browns players had big moments too! TJ Ward fought hard to win the prize of the Most Cleveland Browns Thing to Ever Happen when he hit Josh Gordon low, but unfortunately the receiver did not tear his ACL, and neither play contracted a staph infection. That honors is still shared by LeCharles Bentley’s first play of training camp 2006, and Gary Baxter’s ill-fated pass break up attempt. Both Joe Thomas and Alex Mack did excellent jobs pretend blocking the D linemen who were pretend rushing the passer. I think in the end Team Gordon beat Team Ward, or something, I am not really sure.

Somewhere along the way Kacey Musgraves  won an award for Best Country Album. Pharrell Williams wore a Smokey the Bear hat one stage with robots. Between Beyonce and Pink I saw 1 3/4 asses. Pharrell changed his hat. He is now a Canadian mounty. OMG! Did Metallica really just play “One” with Lang Lang?!?! No friggin way!!! Lang Lang is jamming too! Wow look! It’s Jerry Rice, and for some reason my wife is complaining. He and Deion aren’t playing in this game are they?

The strange girl from New Zealand won for BEST SONG with Royals!! Normally it would be refreshing for me to see an honestly awkward musician these days, but this girl just fills me with anxiety when I look at her. For Pharrell’s 3rd hat change he and Daft Punk take the Grammy for Best Pop Group Performance with “Get Lucky”. Then they took another Grammy for Best Album. While waiting to see who would win the award for Best Artist (which doesn’t exist) I had to sit through an awful performance by Queens of the Stone Age and Nine Inch Nails. Then the show ended.

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