25 Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch Tim Tebow Play Quarterback for the Browns


I’m sorry, fellow Browns fans, but you forced me to do this.  You forced my hand in writing this, because every single day someone says something about the Browns signing Tim Tebow.  You left me no other recourse than to compose this article, and so you’re just going to have to deal with it.  I’m going to have to deal with it.  The city of Cleveland is going to be rocked to it’s foundation as a direct result of this article.  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?  ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?  IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE???  Whoa, sorry, I was watching Gladiator while writing.  I suck at multi-tasking.  But seriously, this is all your fault.  Not mine, even though I’m writing it and stuff.  I deny any and all responsibility, even though I’m technically, figuratively choosing to write this.  It’s like I’ve got a gun to my head!

So, I give you, my list of things I’d rather see or do than to have to see Tim Tebow in a Browns jersey.

1.  I would rather kiss Brandon Weeden on the mouth than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns..

Right on those thin ginger lips

Right on those thin ginger lips

2.  I would rather Charlie Frye and Ken Dorsey alternate snaps at QB than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Charlie "Trash Stache" Frye

Charlie “Trash Stache” FryeKen Dorsey

Ken Dorsey

3.  I would rather clean the toilets at First-Energy Stadium with my own personal toothbrush than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

And it is a REALLY nice toothbrush.

And it is a REALLY nice toothbrush.

4.  I would rather leave my tab open for Bernie Kosar on a Saturday night than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

I'd essentially chose bankruptcy is what I'm saying.

I’d essentially chose bankruptcy is what I’m saying.

5.  I would rather wash dishes to pay for Jimmy Haslam’s legal fees than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Haslam just signed Tebow because he read this post.

Haslam just signed Tebow because he read this post.

6.  I would rather watch a grown man pleasure a camel than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

You didn't really think I'd google search this did you?  Perverts.

You didn’t really think I’d google search this did you? Perverts.

7.  I would rather watch Greg Little record an instructional video on route running and tips for effectively catching the football than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

This fuckin' guy.

This fuckin’ guy.

8.  I would rather let my cousin go on a date with Ben Roethlisberger than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

"Did somebody say "date rape"?  No, just date?  Got it."

“Did somebody say “date rape”? No, just date? Got it.”

9.  I would prefer to drink Keystone, and only Keystone, as my beer of choice for the rest of my life rather than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Yeah, Keystone.  Not Keystone Light.  Real "Taste like it's shitting on your tongue" Keystone.

Yeah, Keystone. Not Keystone Light. Real “Taste like it’s shitting on your tongue” Keystone.

10.  I would rather write an article about all the things I love about Brandon Weeden than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

This fuckin' guy.

This fuckin’ guy.

11.  I would prefer to let Brandon Weeden have another year to try and “prove” he’s the Browns franchise Quarterback rather than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

This face.

This face.

12.  I would rather re-watch every single Browns loss since 1999 with my eyes forced open (ala Clockwork Orange) than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

13.  I would rather swallow a pack of D batteries than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Yep.  The big ones.

Yep. The big ones.

14.  I would rather sit on an uncovered gas station toilet seat than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Even the clean ones have Herpes!

Even the clean ones have Herpes!

15.  I would rather grow a rat tail than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

I would have to grow a bitchin' 'stache to match.

I would have to grow a bitchin’ ‘stache to match.

16.  I would rather shave a crazy man’s testicles and use the hair to create my own personal loofah than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Like this, but with pubic hair!

Like this, but with pubic hair!

17.  I would rather they cancel The Walking Dead than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Daryl Dixon.  Now THERE'S a Quarterback we can all agree on.

Daryl Dixon. Now THERE’S a Quarterback we can all agree on.

18.  I would rather not eat bacon than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

And I am a man who enjoys my bacon.

And I am a man who enjoys my bacon.

19.  I would rather spend every Sunday putting together Ikea furniture sans manual and helping friends move than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

I think it's kind of funny that Ikea mocks you by making ads like this.

I think it’s kind of funny that Ikea mocks you by making ads like this.

20.  I would rather Michael Bolton’s “When a Man Loves a Women” be the only song on my workout playlist than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

21.  I would rather spend a day hanging out with 1980’s Richard Simmons, wearing matching outfits, than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Don't worry Shawn, IT IS GOING TO BE FABULOUS.

Don’t worry Shawn, IT IS GOING TO BE FABULOUS.

22.  I would rather say “Go Blue!” than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

And I am a man who HATES that team up north.

And I am a man who HATES that team up north.

23.  I would rather drink an entire bottle of Jager and then ride a roller coaster than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Hehe.  This could be kinda funny depending if I liked my fellow coasters or not.

Hehe. This could be kinda funny depending if I liked my fellow coasters or not.

24.  I would rather get a “Bieber Fever” tattoo than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Tattooed on me BY Biebs.

Tattooed on me BY Biebs.

25.  I would rather dress up as Lady Gaga and sit in the Dawg Pound than to ever see Tim Tebow play Quarterback for the Browns.

Now if I die, the last thing in my search history is "Lady Gaga Outfits".  Thanks a lot, Tebow!

Now if I die, the last thing in my search history is “Lady Gaga Outfits”. Thanks a lot, Tebow!

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